From the Blog

Adding To The Innumerable Indignities

Pregnancy, yo. I still has it. I’m at 33 weeks.

Last week, we had a sort of scary day with extra contractions. Everything turned out fine. It’s not uncommon to have freak out days, especially with twins. It happens.

The good thing, is that we *could* have the babies right now, and they would probably be just fine. They would have to spend some time in the NICU, but they would be okay. With the way they are measuring right now, my OB doesn’t want to go beyond 38 weeks anyway. So we have five weeks or less to go. Any of the remaining time they spend cooking feels like a gift, so they can grow their giant, giant heads.

I feel fine. But I do have issues. ISSUES. Those who know me might find this news shocking. I can say, for the most part, that pregnancy has mostly been adding 40 pounds to my belly and ass. This causes some relatively minor inconveniences. Like not being able to sleep, or trying to wedge my butt in and out of the car, or trying to lift things. But all things considered, I feel lucky that I haven’t had the more severe pregnancy issues that some of my friends have experienced. I have not puked on myself in the shower. That sounds awful. But it also sounds wonderfully efficient.

In the past few weeks, however, I am, finally, experiencing some issues that are causing me to slow down. My feet have swollen up like balloons. And they hurt. Swollen feet make me feel tubby and old. Swollen feet don’t feel like a major issue. Just a mild inconvenience.

But then, also, my hands are really swollen too. When I wake up in the morning, my hands are so tight and puffy, I can’t curl my fingers. Again, not a big deal. Just a minor pain in the ass.

But then also again, I’ve had a pretty rocking headache for the past few weeks. I’m not prone to headaches. But when I do get them, they last for days and weeks. This headache lives behind my left eye and in the back of my head, on the left side. It comes and goes. But it’s lingered now for a while, and I’m taking acetaminophen when it flares up.

Okay? All these things, by themselves, are no big deal. I get blurry vision here and there. The swollen feet and hands, not big issues. The headache sucks, but I can live with it.

But all these things together, while being pregnant with twins, are all indicators of pre-eclampsia. And pre-eclampsia is no joke. That shit can be deadly, and the only known cure is to have the babies. My blood pressure has been fine all through this pregnancy.

Except for the past week or so. My blood pressure started going up. In the past three visits to the doctor, my blood pressure was a little high. At each visit, they test for protein in my urine. Earlier this week, the protein test came back “inconclusive.”

My OB has been very reassuring through all of my visits with her. But in the past week, I can see that she is concerned. She’s had me come in three times in the past week to check my blood pressure. After the inconclusive protein test, she ordered a 24 hour urine catch. I was sent home with a huge (huge!) jug, and ordered to collect all my pee over the course of 24 hours.

Okay.

I explained all this to Dave. I showed him the giant jug. I made jokes like, Ha ha, I’ll never be able to fill that thing! Because seriously, it was a half gallon jug.

I explicitly needed to tell him what I was going to do, because over the course of 24 hours, the pee jug needed to be stored in our refrigerator. Like, next to the mustard and relish. Dave sort of smirked about this, but it was more of a horrified smirk, not an amused smirk. My pee. In a jug. In the fridge.

Did I take a photo? Of course I did.

I sometimes wonder about people who choose not to write blogs on the internet. How do they share their embarrassing stories? Do they just not tell people? Or do they share their indignities with a select few people, and not, say, the whole internet? Sometimes I don’t understand people.

Right. So. You see how full that fucker is? I rocked that jug, yo. I drink a lot of water. I had joked about not being able to fill it. But by the end, I was starting to get nervous. They needed all the urine from a 24 hour period. Was I going to need to empty out a relish jar for extra storage? I actually restrained myself from drinking quite as much water as usual. Because I seriously didn’t want to be the one woman who filled the whole jug. I didn’t know if that happens all the time, or if I’d get some sort of trophy at the lab. And I’d become legend among the pee collectors at the hospital, and be known as the “jug filler.”

I was glad when the 24 hours were up. Having to collect your pee and store it in the fridge is sort of gross. They supplied me with a big ziplock bag to cover the jug. For extra protection, I guess. Then there was a brown paper bag, so that I was able to carry the nearly-full jug to the lab like an expertly hidden bottle of vodka.

At my next visit to the OB, my blood pressure was down, which was fantastic news. I got a call later that same day with the results of my giant pee jug: totally normal.

You hear that? I have normal pee. You’re welcome, internet.

 

Comments

  1. Hooray for normal pee!

    Also, the TMI is not only expected, but encouraged. No one quite rocks TMI – especially pregnancy-related TMI – quite as well as you do, dear…

  2. Dori Strom says:

    I had pre-eclampsia with both boys…Andy being worse. It is no joke and painful. I know what you are going through. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well. See you soon!

  3. hahahaha – love the stories – even if it is TMI for some. Here’s hoping you can keeping those babies cooking a little longer!

  4. ElkoSteve says:

    Forget the pee, the real weirdness is that you have a can of Garbanzo Beans in your fridge.

  5. Omg Heather! You did it again! I’m am lmao like an idiot over here!!!! :D

  6. So glad your results are good! Hoping you get a pass on preeclampsia. I was normal, normal, normal until week 35 and then things got exciting in ways you’ve probably already heard all about, and well, I’m not going to be horror story lady. (With a happy ending.) Fingers crossed that your remaining weeks go well!

  7. Michael says:

    Wow, I have been very involved in watching the Tour Divide bike race from Bamff to Mexico along the continental divide, the racers over a 20-25 days race covering 2850 miles, 200,000 feet of climbing in all kinds of terrain and weather. Yet i come here for the crazy stuff! you rock Heather….I see Dave is along for the ride, Every Tandem needs a driver and stoker.

  8. Was so glad I worked from home when I got sent home with the jug…I feel for those poor ladies commuting into a job with a pee jug while being hugely pregnant. How do you label that in an office fridge?

    • Heather says:

      Wow! I didn’t even think of that! Collecting pee at work! Storing it in the work fridge! But then, maybe you wouldn’t want to inform the person who always steals your lunch, huh?

    • i think “vodka” would be hilarious. with the hidden cam, of course.

  9. elledee says:

    This might have usurped the title of “favorite post” from the one where you rationalized the second flush and overflowed the toilet…

  10. the fact that you take photos of your pee jug and post them on the internuts is one of the MAIN reason why I love you so much.
    I share all my hideously embarrassing stories with my clients whilst filing of monster heel callus’s or ripping out their vaginal hair. they seem to love it. (the stories… the hair ripping, not so much).

  11. A lot of people place an ice chest in the bathroom and keep the pee in there. And we do have patients who require more than one jug, so don’t feel like a freak :) We lab techs have seen it all! Glad everything came back normal. Hang in there!

  12. I had to fill a pee jug at work at 35 weeks with my twins. I had to bring in a dorm-sized refrigerator for the occasion. But, before I could lug the thing in, I had to write a letter to the supintendent explaining its use in my classroom!

  13. Oh my God. We are soul mates.
    I’m 33 weeks with twins and just discovered your blog. Reading this post, and your birth story (esp. The part about Taco Bell) has made me feel un-alone for the first time this whole time. Forget buying a book to read while I’m on bed rest (oh and yes, I just did the disgusting 24 hour pee jug test last week because of protein/high blood pressure), I will read your entire blog. :D

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