I got a job.
I mean, a job away from home. I was sort of, maybe, perhaps, thinking about going back to work, but I figured it was going to take me a long time to find a job that would suit our purposes.
I wanted a job that I would enjoy, otherwise it wouldn’t make sense for me to leave the boys. We are doing just fine on one salary, but I’d need a job that paid enough to afford daycare. I wanted to work with cool people, at a cool company, where I’d be able to use my brain and talk to adults and maybe not change poopy diapers.
I figured it would be months before I got a job that fulfilled all these qualifications. But I was not in a hurry. I’m a new mom, after all. I like my babies, and thinking about working outside the home made me feel conflicted. I want to spend time with my boys, especially as they get more goddamned adorable every day. But at the same time, it’s wintertime in Portland, and it’s hard to get out when you have twins. I was starting to feel a bit stir crazy. I casually started to look for a job, reasoning that I would have some time to sort out my mixed emotions about being away from home.
It took two days. TWO DAYS. Two days to get a job.
I could just leave the story there, and let you draw your own conclusions, that I must be super awesome to get a job so quickly. Or I bribed someone. Or drugged someone. Or slept with someone. Wouldn’t it be exciting if any of those thing were true? Oh, the intrigue! I must be sexy wildcat in bed!
The real story is that the seeds for this job were planted almost a year ago. I had a little help from some great friends, Twitter played a part, and in a round about way, this blog even helped a little too.
The past few weeks have been a frenzy of activity. We needed to get childcare in the span of three weeks. We are naive fools and on a whim, called a few daycares in our area. Ha ha, jackasses, they said. Waiting lists for daycare are months long, and with twins? They will be in college before two spots open up at the same time.
So we called a nanny agency. We interviewed a couple candidates. We hired the one with bright red hair who spoke German and knew how to juggle. She’s already spent a couple days with our boys and she is wonderful.
So I got a job. I start today. I am super excited. And also, I am porcelain fragile. I have two baby boys, and I will not be seeing them for nine hours a day. Their little faces! Their fuzzy heads! Their clammy little fingers, their dribbly little mouths, and their big blue eyes. I will only see them for a short time in the morning, and a short time before they go to bed at night.
I’m a rational person. I’m not prone to hysterics. I’m not fond of drama. So I realize that millions of parents work away from home and spend their days apart from their young children. And those kids are fine. Those parents are fine. Those families are fine.
But like any mom or dad that has gone through this, there is a raw and primal charge of emotion that won’t be soothed by the knowledge that others have gone through this and survived. The babies will wake up and look for me. Will they think I abandoned them? Will they think the red headed lady is their mom? Will I miss all their important moments? Their first crawls? Their first words?
I think of being away from them, and it is the napes of their necks that I think about. Behind their ears, where their skin is so soft, where I put my nose and inhale their baby essence. Will they remember me?
I can barely stand it.
I am so, so thankful that our nanny is a wonderful photographer. She is better with her phone than I am with my damn “regular” camera. She has already captured images that have taken my breath away. She has promised many photos throughout the day.
All the images below are by Xilia Faye.
Little boys! I love you, little boys! I will see you when I get home.