From the Blog

Waiting is Hard

We have a thing we are waiting for. It’s a big thing. We are waiting for it. We’ve been waiting for a while.

To answer the question that may have immediately jumped into your mind, no, I’m not pregnant. Though Dave enjoys the thought of maybe having a little girl. But with our luck, and my age, and my tendency to hyper ovulate, we’d end up with twin boys again. And I don’t know about you, but one set of twin boys is quite enough, thank you.

This is some other big thing, the thing we are waiting for. It’s an exciting thing, and it’s not really something I can share just yet. Which sucks, because it’s a preoccupying thing, and it’s a bit of a project, and it’s commandeered a lot of my brain. So I while I can’t really write about this thing, it is also sucking my energy to write about other stuff.

We’ve been waiting now for a long enough time that it’s hard to even be excited for this thing. Gretchen Rubin said in her book that it’s not always having things that make us happy, it’s the anticipation of having the thing. Which makes total sense.

But. But now it’s been so long, my anticipator is broken. Which is not really a surprise. I’ve never been a fan of long term goals. Long term goals are so faaaar awaaaaay. And in the amount of time I work toward a long term goal, my brain starts cranking out steady drum beat of self-doubt. Do I really want this thing? Is it ever really going to happen? Is it worth getting excited over? Will I end up being disappointed? Are my expectations too high? Should I just give up?

So I just try to regulate my enthusiasm, for fear of not getting the thing. Whatever the thing may be. It sounds much better and happy and poetic to live with exuberant enthusiasm, right? Doesn’t someone like that sound more fun to be around?

I’ve never felt like a pessimist. And looking back on how things have gone in my life, a great deal of worry and self doubt were ultimately fruitless. I’ve done lots of cool shit in my life. I’ve had some weird shit, and some icky shit, and maybe some regrettable shit. But mostly, on the whole, I’d really have to call myself lucky. All my shit has been relatively interesting and mostly great, even if I wasn’t aware of it at the time.

But does all the great shit happen in spite of the worry and self-doubt, or because of it? Does the extra caution and endless rumination actually help? Maybe balancing all those spinning plates and anticipating disappointment is a deterrent from those things from actually happening.

Either way, it probably doesn’t fricken matter. Because fish gotta swim. Birds gotta fly. I gotta unjustifiably anticipate disappointment and be pleasantly surprised and glad when things actually work out.

So I’m just going to sit over here and chew my nails and wait some more. I’m super pleasant to be around.

Comments

  1. Gosh, you’ve gotten me very curious about the “thing”. Glad you dispelled the pregnancy thing right off the bat, since that was absolutely the first thing that popped into my mind. And then my mind said, “Lord, is she crazy? She’s already got a handful of twin boys!” So, it’s not that thing. It’s some other thing. Can’t wait until the big reveal!

  2. Not pregnant? :-(

  3. Is it a brand new commuter jet pack from Tesla’s X-Lab?! What fun.

    I think planning and worry have a place. Sometimes…and the latter quite rarely. Don’t give in – it will all work out, even if everyone questions whatever is coming. Remember that the journey, especially for the hardest stuff in life, is the most important part. Keep expecting, it’s gonna be awesome.

    Dreaming of flying,

    Dakota

  4. Aunty Laurie says:

    Aww Poor Dave, but I totally agree, 1 set of twins IS Plenty! Whatever it is your waiting on, I’m excited for you!!! I love anticipation, it gives one something to look forward to. So much of life is, same old, same old, so when something new and exciting comes along, grab it with both hands and Worry the shit out of it!!! Hope All turns out to be beyond your wildest exceptions!!!

  5. michael Lewallen says:

    Since we are speculating about the “thing”… house/condo purchase?

  6. Thanks for the positivity, everyone. I wuv you.

    Related: Forget Setting Goals, Focus on Systems

  7. Book.

  8. VERY hard not to speculate here in rainy Cali.

    That said, I have long supposed that the relaxation and joy of a vacation come before and during – not after. It’s the planning that’s delicious. Remembering how much fun we had just makes me sad that I’m not still ______ enjoying the ______. – Patty

  9. So now I have this song stuck in my head. Gotta share so it will also be stuck in yours!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMyCa35_mOg

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