From the Blog

We Have Pirates!

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Pirates! Real ones! They are, like, messing up global shipping lanes! And there’s a ton of them. And they are getting blown up by the Indian Navy. A shipper from Norway won’t even send its boats through the Gulf of Aden anymore. They are sending their ships all the way around Africa to avoid that whole unsavory section of ocean.

This is craziness! I don’t know anything about boats or pirates, and I certainly didn’t know where the Gulf of Aden was before today. So naturally, I have a number of great ideas to solve the pirate problem.

So, first off, I know that some ships are already using some low-tech strategies to thwart pirates, like covering decks with broken glass or nails (since the pirates are usually barefoot to climb up the ropes). I think they might also consider razor wire around the outside of the boat, which would also have the added benefit of keeping the boats graffiti-free. And they should oil up the ropes with something slippery so the pirates can’t climb them. Didn’t they see Goonies?

On the higher tech side, If you can’t hire a mall security team to snooze on your deck in pirate infested waters, I suggest all ships be outfitted with water cannons. Just spray the pirates as they try to scamper up ropes and board your ship. And since the crew probably has to worry about being shot at while defending their boat, the water cannons should be remote controlled. And since you have to SEE the pirates in order to shoot them, they should install cameras.

If pirates try to take the ship at night, we’d have a problem. So the cameras need to be motion-sensing. But the whole boat is moving. (It’s on the ocean. It’s science.) And the boat is probably full of rats. So we’d need heat-seeking cameras. And maybe spotlights. So, heat-seeking, camera operated, remote control water cannons. No problem. I can get that on a Prius.

Now, in the unlikely event that the pirates are able to board the ship, which would be near impossible if the above security measures are implemented, there ought to be a “safe room” somewhere on the ship where the crew can hide, like that Jodie Foster movie. Or the equivalent of a bomb shelter, or suite-sized black box for the entire crew. It should be impenetrable, lock from the inside, and be stocked with provisions and radio controls to hang out as long as needed after the fuzz is called. The pirates can’t make threats against the safety of the crew or hold them for ransom if they are all in the safe room playing PS3 with the water cannons.

You think I’m kidding. But it sounds like someone thought of some of this stuff, but not nearly in such an awesome way as I did. Though the electrified razor wire sounds pretty badass.


  1. So many vulnerable ships.

    So few Chuck Norrises.

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