From the Blog

It Will Probably Rain Frogs, Too.

I went to the doctor this week to get a checkup and take care of some lady business. I am fortunate to be fairly healthy, so I don’t go to the doctor very often. This is my first trip to the doctor since I moved to Portland. So I had to fill out all kinds of forms and questionnaires about my health and my hilarious bouts of anxiety.

I don’t go to the doctor very often, and I seem to have moved around a lot, so I can’t really remember my medical history. I know that I have never been seriously ill, I’ve never been hospitalized, I have never broken any bones, and I’ve never had any surgeries. I am waiting for the anvil to fall out of the sky.

I also don’t remember the last time I had any vaccinations or immunizations. And if you take my healthy, charmed life into consideration, getting a simple shot is powerfully frightening. I have a child’s fright at getting a shot or having blood drawn. When they learned I probably haven’t been vaccinated since high school, they weren’t going to let me leave without one. Goddamnit! I’d rather just take the tetanus or the rabies, please!

So I’m sitting there, in the damned assless gown, and I know I’m about to get a “lady exam,” but it’s the fricken shot that made me sweat. A nurse came in and said while the doctor was getting my exam ready, she was going to give me my vaccination. I was all, um, yeah, okay, but no. “I’m totally freaked out by needles,” I said to her.

“I am quite sure you’ll be fine,” the nurse said blandly. Even the smell of rubbing alcohol on my arm makes me queasy. I have 20 years of anxiety built up, remembering how much that vaccination shot HURT in my skinny little noodle arm. Now I have big, fat, sausage arms, and it’s still going to hurt! Bee sting! Gun shot! Like my arm is being ripped off!

And, wait? It’s done? A tiny prick and it’s over? She advised me that my whole arm is going to be sore later, and to take some Tylenol. Well, shit. I’m not worried about being sore. This vaccination wasn’t nearly as bad as the shots in high school.

We do the rest of the lady business. And then because I’m an idiot, and I remember that my cholesterol was high last time I had it checked, they want to draw blood. Gah. The doctor’s office is a a fricken house of horrors!

I got to work later, and heard stories about how sore people were after a vaccination. “My arm was sore for a week!” “I couldn’t move my whole shoulder!” Great. I took some pain reliever and sure enough, by the end of the day, my arm was hot and achy.

Wait, I’m not done yet! The next day, I had a hard time putting a shirt on as I tried to keep my sore arm as immobile as possible. And the next day it was still sore. And I began to think, well crap, I’m supposed to move this weekend. And it would be so super awesome if I can’t move my arm while we’re trying to move!

Okay? My arm is sort of less sore now. I got my results and I do have high cholesterol, so I have to cut back on the goddamned tater tots and walk around more. FINE! But my doctor said my lady business looked great. You’re welcome, internet.

I’m still supposed to move this weekend. And you know what? They are predicting a freak storm. And not just a storm, a record breaking, freezing cold blizzard. With snow. And wind. And rain. And cold.

You know what this means? We might not be able to move. Or, I might either have to: 1. Resort to the tiny undies, (bad!) OR 2. Do laundry in my current apartment (very bad!)

I will bring a sleeping bag and sleep on the cold concrete floor at my new place before I go back to that laundry room. With my sore arm and everything!

Comments

  1. Jeez, what kind of vaccine was it? When I finally got to a doctor last year (after… maybe 5-10 years?), they asked when I had had a tetanus shot, and I could only remember getting one when I was 7 after I put a rusty nail through my foot, and I still think the tetanus shot hurt more. I moaned and groaned and was sweaty and omg so scared, but when they did it, the needle was sooo teeny-tiny, and it wasn’t scary at all! I just felt like a children’s book author there. I would be lying if I say it didn’t hurt, but I was only sore for a day and I shouldn’t have to get any of that done again for something like 7 years. Whew.
    I am already coveting your in-apartment washer and dryer. We have hookups in our basement, but that’s where the server room is, so it’s probably not the best place for a plethora of dancing water molecules.

  2. I’m beginning to become a bit suspicious about this exercise thing that the doctors prescribe as the solution to EVERYTHING. Recently I’ve been having some minor abdominal pain and the doctor said exercise will help. Really? That seems highly unlikely to me.

  3. The Internet needs to see for ourselves.

  4. I won’t even TELL you what the doctor actually said, but it was a compliment.

  5. I tell ya Heather, It’s Karma for moving out of that great apartment!

    As for keeping warm and pain free during that move, alcohol! It works every time.
    Good luck and happy moving day.

  6. The doctor said something like she had the cervix of a young chicken… or something.

  7. OK, you know you *gotta* tell us now…

    Y’know what? Never mind. I sincerely apologize for always sounding like Uncle Pervy on this site.

    Actually, y’know what? Fuck it. You know you want to tell us.

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