From the Blog

Swedish Shoppingks

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I was at Ikea over the weekend, finally buying some friggen furniture, which I am so happy about I can’t even begin to formulate the words to describe exactly how much I am thrilled to be accepting this furniture on my behalf. Sitting on the floor is super-hip, (all the cool kids are doing it) but I decided to be lame and get something to sit on. I had to harsh my own mellow with the floor living, man.

So every time I am in Ikea, which is many, many times, I am reminded of a visit years ago when I witnessed a flustered, red-faced woman trying to quickly waddle through the labyrinth of gadgets and product displays. I guess she was trying to find her way out.

You’ve been in Ikea, right? It’s easy to get lost. It’s intentionally confusing. There are no windows, and the walls are positioned so that you must follow their tortured little maze in order to get out of the store. It’s only with practice and discipline that you could hope to complete a targeted stealth mission to Ikea. And use the power of your mind to resist their shiny Grundtals and their useful Krokens.

My friends, I personally have achieved this this level of Ikea shopping skill. I’m Swedish Ninja Shopper. I prefer to use my stealth shopping powers only for good.

Anyway, so this woman was teetering through the rodent maze, and she was not, um, athletic. At all. I wouldn’t have noticed her, other than being a large woman moving more quickly than you might expect. But also, she was spouting off and randomly yelling expletives. “This is the last time I shop here!” All indignant and pissed off.

As she passed, looking for a way out, I saw that she was being followed by an employee with a walkie-talkie. The employee spoke quietly into the walkie and trailed behind her as she huffed and yelled. And I realized, she’s not just trying to leave, she’s trying to ESCAPE.

She obviously had been caught trying to shop lift something. And she was looking for a way out of the store. But come on! Have you been to Ikea? Could you pick a more difficult store to try to shoplift at? Do you know how hard it is to hide an Ektorp or Poang under your shirt?


  1. Did you stick around for the take-down? That would’ve been something… Dude was probably calling Ishmael and Queequeg up to the deck.

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