From the Blog

Bad Toast = He Loves Me Not

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A long, long time ago, I was really into this guy. I was youngish and I sort of had a crush on him.

For whatever reason, and I won’t go into details, I was at his place, and he was making breakfast.

And breakfast is breakfast, for the most part. There are usually eggs, and sometimes some sort of meat product. Occasionally, there are more ambitious items, like potatoes. Most often, there is toast.

So I was really into this dude, and we were eating breakfast, and I don’t know how this happened, but the toast was AWFUL. I mean, it’s toast. There aren’t too many ways to screw it up. But he discovered a way. It was awful. Dry, dead, soulless toast.

I ate the toast, but I began to wonder what was going on in his brain. He was a really smart guy, and so I thought maybe, he’s one of those people who are SO SMART they have no common sense. Like, they walk into walls, and can’t tie their shoe laces, and frequently have stained shirts, because they are always so very busy thinking big, smart THOUGHTS. Maybe he’s so preoccupied with being smart that he can’t taste how awful the toast is. Like his brain took up too much space in his large cranium, and there was no room for taste buds.

But as I ate, I came to a heavy realization that he couldn’t possibly be that into me. Because if he liked me at all, even a tiny bit, he wouldn’t have served me such AWFUL TOAST.


  1. Was it microwave toast? That kind of toast sucks.

  2. Favorite. Post. Ever.

  3. This is why Chandler never made it past the first date with anyone on the first few seasons of “Friends.”

  4. i agree with bruce. who, btw, has the same name of MY biggest crush ever. whom i never had the opportunity to make really excellent toast for. damn it.

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