From the Blog

Portrait of an Anxious Personality: A (Partial) List

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Here’s a list of things that sometimes keeps me up at night.

1. I have not yet been made Employee of the Month at work. I’ve been there for 6 months. Don’t they see how awesome I am yet? If not, am I slacking off too much? Do I need to work harder at hiding when I slack off? I clearly should have been Employee of the Month by now.

2. The City of Los Angeles keeps sending me letters that I owe them taxes because I sold some homemade scarves within city limits in 2005.

3. My car desperately needs to be detailed. The white leather is getting an ass-shaped patina in the front seats. Also, it needs a new coat of wax. I saw no “beading up and rolling off” on the finish during the last rain shower. Very bad. This keeps me up at night.

4. My cat will still not STFU at night. He’s got happy food that he likes. He is still asking for a lot of attention. He is still maybe sleeping a lot during the day because it’s been so hot. The lack of sleep (mine) makes me think the world is falling apart.

5. The cat is also shedding like a little bitch. So there are swirls of gray cat fur extending into the hallway from my apartment. The cat is like Hansel and Gretel with the fur leading back to my place. I’m worried my property management company will issue a citation for too many dust bunnies. Or they will think I am a shut-in with 14 cats. Which I am not. Yet.

6. I need to get a vacuum cleaner.

7. Random subscription to Vogue Magazine showing up in my mail. Who is watching me? Couldn’t they have sent me the Economist instead?

8. My parents say I will soon be arrested because I have not gotten an Oregon license, and I still have my Hawaii plates on my car. Whomever said anxiety is sheerly from chemicals in the brain has not met my family.

9. California is still sending me past-due car registration renewal notices, to my permanent address in Portland, even though California was my state of residence TWO STATES ago and I haven’t lived there since September of 2007.

10. I’m pretty certain I am spending an at least $5 more a month on my cell phone bill because I still have a Hawaii phone number. And the Hawaii phone number might seem like a cool thing to keep, except that I only lived there for less than 4 months and so somehow it feels inauthentic and dirty. So I should get an Oregon number and an iPhone because it will save me $5 a month.

11. I want some plants for my apartment, but I know my bastard cat will eat them. So maybe I should get really pointy cactus and see what happens.

12. Sometimes caffeine gives me headaches. Not BEFORE my coffee from lack of caffeine, but AFTER when I’ve had a coffee with three or four shots of espresso. I get a headache after. This is troubling. I’d rather not bow to the whims of Satan and drink decaf. Because, as you know, only Satan worshipers drink decaf.

13. I like to think of myself as a reader. I have half a dozen books on my nightstand. But I’m only a fraction of the way through any of them. How can I call myself a reader if I never finish any books? I’m such a poser!

14. I need to do my goddamn Hawaii income taxes! Gah! It’s freaking me out. But I stop being freaked out as soon as I forget about doing them. Which seems to happen frequently.

15. I’m paying my internet provider (Qwest) $10 extra a month of “up to 7 mbps.” I frequently get less than 10% of that speed. This less makes me anxious, than irritated with myself for not calling them sooner. In fact, I haven’t called them yet. I love to hate myself.

16. I need to either take some graphic design classes or I need to put myself on a regimented structure to “learn” something. If I don’t feel like I’m progressing with some alternative, creative, money-making career path, I get vaguely dissatisfied, then completely unhappy, then I move at least 1000 miles from where ever I was. Rinse, repeat.

None of these items would be a big deal if each were taken in turn. But they are not. And it seems to get worse as I get older. I’d like to think of myself as a responsible adult. But somehow as I got older, I lost the ability to do certain things. I used to be able to wrap pretty presents, make omelets and balance my check book. Now I can’t do any of those things.

If I continue to follow this trajectory, I estimate that I have about 7 years before I end up in a nursing home. If they allow me to bring my 17 cats.


  1. One solution is beer.

  2. Might I make a couple of suggestions…

    Get some kitty hooch toys for the cat. Hide them until an hour or so before bedtime and let him exhaust himself.; you can get them at Saturday market.

    Get some plants that you can hang so kitty can’t get them.

    I know you don’t really enjoy beer (yet) but whiskey is a good alternative.

  3. One cup of coffee from now on. And take a Vitamin B “complete” vitamin in the morning.

    And you do not need an iPhone. You will make your 10-month-old Blackberry very jealous.

    And shave your cat.

  4. You know Robbb, I think all these other issues could be solved with an iPhone. And a new laptop.

    I bet the cat would sleep better if I got an iPhone.

    But I’ll take a B Vitamin also. Thanks.

  5. Hah! I had my CADL for 8 months and CA plates (with expired registration) for 20 months after I moved to Oregon. I think you’re okay as long as you don’t get yourself pulled over.

    Unless you get an iPhone and use it to hypnotize the cop. Which may only work on highway patrol, as PPB officers tend to taze first and save the questions for the Internal Affairs hearing.

  6. Fast, easy answers:

    1. Screw ’em!
    2. Screw ’em!
    3. (patina?) Maybe in a few months.
    4. Tranquilizer gun
    5. More darts for #4
    6. Hardwood floors? Swiffer!
    7. Use Vogue pages as Swiffer refills
    8. “Miss, may I see your license and registr-” PFFOOT! Tranq dart!
    9. Tell ’em you’ll pay when you get your City of LA tax refund
    10. See “Robbb,” above
    11. Tranq plants
    12. See “Robbb,” above
    13. Use excess books as a lap grommet against hot laptop
    14. Aren’t you an accountant?
    15. Qwest: 1-800-327-8375
    16. You’ve already moved 1,000 miles — twice — so you’re due. Enroll!

    There! You just bought yourself more years and fewer cats. :-D

    Now go have that beer.

  7. Hey! KittyHooch! We bought some of those catnip pillows years ago at Saturday Market and our cats *still* play with them! Those are great.

  8. I think it’s destiny.
    I recently came into possession of the most pointy cactus EVER [if it makes it more enticing, consider it stolen]. No joke, I am still picking pieces of the f’er out of my leg from it’s trip home. As my decor is far from SouthWestern and self-inflicted pain is not really my thing, said cactus is available for adoption.
    Delivery available.

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