From the Blog

Anger Management

Some people get outraged too easily. I have the opposite problem. I don’t get outraged easily enough. Or rather, I don’t know what the hell to do when I’m angry about something. It’s a problem.

Thankfully, I really don’t have cause to get angry very often. I’m pretty good at being unflappable. A lot of times I’m actually sort of a dunce about being insulted or slighted. Sometimes I don’t even notice some injustice and it needs to be pointed out to me. I don’t always realize I should be pissed. And then it takes me a while to think about it. And then I ramp up and start to feel a little huffy puffy. All this takes about a week. And by then, almost any other sane person would have forgotten everything and moved on. I have delayed anger reactions.

Part of this may be from years of working in customer service and professional environments. Sometimes little slights are casual pushes and shoves to see where your boundaries are. We all deal with these. My first reaction to rudeness, insensitivity or lack of professionalism is always one of diplomacy. In my head, I’m thinking “Wow! You’re a nutjob!” But on the outside, I am smiling and nodding.

I actually really despise this about myself. I sometimes wish I had the power of that anger to call up on the spot to let an offender know they have crossed a line. It would most likely be unreasonable to hope that I might even be articulate at the same time. But, no. Either professionalism or polite decorum usually holds my tongue. It’s probably better in the long run, but in immediate circumstances, it’s not a good feeling.

I think I’m afraid if I expressed my anger, I’d lose my mind. It’s so foreign to me. What would happen? Would I start hurling expletives? Would I be laughed at? Would I get so upset, I’d cry? Would I make a fool of myself? Would my face puff up red until my head exploded? I’m pretty sure all these things would happen.

I think people get the wrong impression that I’m a “straight shooter” because I’m outgoing and I have a rather, um, expressive personality. I’ve heard people say that to me. Like, “what you see is what you get with Heather.” But, no. If you hurt my feelings, or piss me off, or if I think you are a fucking nutjob, it’s quite possible you would never know. I’m a “say nothing and stew” type of person. I will stew endlessly, and second guess myself, and wonder if I would have felt better if I vented on the spot. Healthy, I know.

But the very few times I have said something, or put up a fight, I never felt better after. I feel worse. I get pissed at myself for getting carried away. Or I hate that someone had the power to make me that angry and I let them see it. I wish I could say that there is some nobility to appearing impervious. But seething is poisonous too.

Sometimes I wish I was more in touch with Angry Heather. It would make me feel like less of a spineless huffy puffy weakling.

Comments

  1. Hey – that’s what you have a blog for — to vent. Blogging your anger will absolutely help you get in touch with Angry Heather. I strongly recommend it; otherwise poor Dave is going to end up getting the brunt of it all one day

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