From the Blog

The Battle Of The Dick Trucks

You know what a “dick truck” is. It’s a truck driven by a dick. Most often, but not always, a guy. You can tell, just from the truck, that the guy driving it is probably a dick. Sometimes a douche, but most likely a dick.

You see dick trucks much more outside the city. Any city, really. Not ALL trucks are dick trucks. Some trucks are needed and have necessary functions. You can use trucks to pull stumps out of the ground. Or haul dirty things in the back. Indeed, you can even haul dirt in them. There are many useful things you can do with a truck. By nature, a sincere truck cannot be a dick truck. A dick truck is primarily for statement. The statement is “I’m a dick.” Look at my huge, huge truck. You get the idea.

We were heading north out of town on route 30 on our way to Astoria. As per usual, not far outside of town, we began seeing more dick trucks. You have to be on the defensive with dick trucks in traffic, because they are often aggressive and pull dick maneuvers. They didn’t buy that shiny huge truck to be polite with it, no sir.

Traffic speeds along in the rural areas off route 30, and we were in a line of cars comfortably cruising at 60 miles an hour. Everyone was getting along. We were behind what was probably a dick truck. It was big and black and shiny, with a bit of a pert lift. I think it was a Ford. I pegged this as a suburban dick truck, because I am presumptuous and judgmental and frequently correct.

What sealed the deal on my assessment was the stickers of animals on the back of the truck. Not just any animals, but a regal deer, a flock of ducks, and a moose, I think. These stickers weren’t on the back of this guys car because he likes ducks. Or because he thinks moose are cuddly. Those stickers are on there because he likes to shoot those animals dead. I always wonder why the stickers hunters put on their vehicles are of unspoiled animals. Why not have stickers with X’s over their eyes and their guts shot out? Because that’s the real statement, isn’t it? Let’s be honest here.

Anyway, a dick truck for sure. But he was in front of us and behaving in our calm, 60 mile an hour line of traffic. As we were driving along, out of NOWHERE, another truck, who was a HUGE DICK, came up and passed me ON THE RIGHT on a ONE LANE road. That’s right, he passed me in a turn lane for an intersection on the right. Huge friggin dick move.

We were astounded. I had never seen anything like it. Sure, I’ve seen people pass dangerously all the time. But never on the right when there was no lane there. And to top it off, this guy had the plastic testicles hanging from his trailer hitch. Yup. Except there seemed to be nipples on the testicles, so I guess they were boobs. So, disembodied boobs hanging from the trailer hitch. That was a head scratcher.

Anyway. What a dick. We couldn’t believe it. It was an older Jeep Cherokee, from before they got too pretty. Washington plates. A guy driving, and a friend in the passenger seat. Obvious homoerotic suppression going on. Now he was in front of us by one car. Where did he think he was going to go? There were a dozen cars in front of us, all evenly spaced, all speeding along together. It’s just a two lane highway. A mountain road with hills and curves.

But it didn’t keep him from swerving out into the other lane over double yellow line, around blind curves looking for a way to pass the next guy. Unbelievable. Dave remarked, “We are going to witness a fiery crash, here.”

But remember, the next guy was ALSO a dick truck. The guy with the animal stickers on the back. And he could see this kid swerving out behind him. And we began to see when the Cherokee tried to speed up and pull into the next lane, the hunter guy pulled his truck out too. He was not going to let this dick pass him. Ha! We cheered! Go dick truck, go!

This went on for five minutes or so, until we were in the town of Rainer. And we saw most of the long line of cars pull off to drive over the bridge into Washington, both dick trucks included. Bye, bye, dick trucks.

I wonder what happened to those guys. Maybe they all pulled over and made out for a while.

Comments

  1. Down here in San Diego, we like to call them BRO-dozers.

  2. FlamingAtheist says

    More often than not if you see a crazy driver on US30 it’s going to have Washington plates. And in the communities on the way out there you’ll see a lot of those big trucks, many are used off road at least, but either for just muddin’ or huntin’. I’ve seen plenty of ass-hats on 26 as well though.

  3. Meredith says

    Dick truck circle jerk? So sorry.

  4. Closely related are the “penis cars”, which are thick (no pun intended) on the ground where I work in Lake Oswego. One moron even has “SUP COP” as his license plate. I live for the day I see him pulled over by our fine friends in law enforcement.

  5. If ya can’t beat em’, join em’… Growing up in Eastern Oregon, you learn that almost all small cars turn into road kill by the SUVs and trucks. This applies to Eastern Washington, the coast, Southern Oregon, etc. Its urban vs. country folk. The only exceptional small cars that don’t get picked on are exotics… Otherwise, you gotta have something with heft. Life in the country… :D

  6. I was going to have a whole tangent on “dick cars,” because those certainly exist. I can’t tell you how many times I have almost been run off the road by BMWs in California. Even when I was driving a BMW. Jerks!

  7. I read the first few paragraphs and wondered if there were going to be any “trucknutz” involved. Of course! Though I don’t think I’ve ever seen the “trucktitz” version before.

  8. Are you sure you weren’t in redding? LOL. this is a town filled with dick trucks. and sometimes they have not only stickers of animals, but actual dead animals in/on them. very disconcerting. I saw the swinging balls decor, not too long after I moved here. right around the time i saw the dead deer chained to the hood of an old beat-up Chevy, in the supermarket parking lot. a little creepy.

  9. To be fair. I’m sure you’re working up follow-up installments for Mommy-van, Big red [Volvo] wagon and Smug Hybrid drivers.

  10. just reread this. so funny! this is a classic post.

  11. Yes. Dick trucks. I love the name. Balls hanging from truck are like my kryptonite. They are so prevalent here, too. Especially blue ones, in the pick up loop at the kids’ schools. That’s like saying… “I’m married, with kids and I have blue balls!” Sorry for you, buddy.
    What would happen if we hung plastic labia the back of our cars?

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