From the Blog

Live in LA? Need a Job? Like, REALLY bad?

My sister got a new job! This is great news! Congrats little sis! Be sure to leave a pile of dog poo in a corner on your last day!

She has been tasked with writing the job description to find her replacement. Here’s what she wrote below.

Accounting Assistant/Doormat Needed in Heart of West Hollywood

Summary: Successful, self-important, image-obsessed Hollywood talent agency seeking someone to take on every single task in the accounting department (and more) at this multi-tasking desk. This is a demanding, fast-paced, snake pit environment. To be qualified for this glamorous position in the “Look-At-Me” industry, the successful candidate will need to answer everyone’s, plus God’s, questions in a timely manner (yesterday), take care of an entire office of entitled, backstabbing Hollywood drama queens, and still manage to bring money in for this greedy cesspool of a company.

Job Responsibilities:

* Maintain all accounting records and clean up after COO who never learned the alphabet. This includes refiling his bills and invoices, which he will he toss around and promptly forget (he will blame you later for losing them)

* Assist the COO in all his work. Learn the accounting software and teach him how to use it. Take all his calls and follow up on his unresolved issues while he reads the paper and updates his Facebook page.

* Administer Checks to Vendors and take all calls and e-mails pertaining to industry people begging to be paid: They can’t pay their mortgage, they need cosmetic surgery for their dog, they need every piece of clothing Donatella Versace designed for the Spring 2009 line, etc.

* Single handedly conduct all collection calls for every company that, cumulatively, owe over 3 million dollars

* Be ready for abuse and scorn from vendors who didn’t receive payment, due to them not responding to your multiple emails needing for them to fill out a W-9, a government document required by law to pay all new vendors. Also answer all calls for vendors demanding payments from as far back as 2005.

* Be everyone’s Office Bitch, including: Fixing the copier every time it has a simple paper jam, since your coworkers could not be bothered to fix it themselves. Fix the coffee maker when it makes crappier coffee than usual. Fix the garbage disposal when someone accidentally leaves a spoon in the drain but doesn’t tell anyone. Take care of the recurring summer ant problem, since your coworkers are too thoughtless and self-absorbed to clean up after themselves in the kitchen. Also, be sure to have the rodent exterminators on speed dial.

Requirements:

*Knowledge of QuickBooks a must, no one else knows how to use it, so please be proficient

* Ability to multi-task, including taking phone calls, e-mails, answering questions in person, ordering/ restocking of office supplies, all at the same time. You will be tested.

* Ability to deal with snotty, entitled, selfish employees and vendors. Be ready to frequently answer the question “Don’t you know who I AM???”

* Ability to sit at your desk (the closest to the bathroom) and hold your breath. This requires that you not retch because half the people in the office do not wash their hands. You will want to purchase your own shit-stench preventing drops (minty!) as the smell of shit hits the accounting office first.

This is a temp to perm position, with super crappy medical, and nothing else. You might get your paycheck the Monday after payday, on a good week. Overtime will be assumed every day. You get a 10 minute lunch break. If you go over 10 minutes, you will experience the stink eye. Parking is free and only ½ mile walk through a scary, pothole-ridden alley. Bonus wolf whistles daily while walking by a construction site to get to your office.

Serious applicants only.

Comments

  1. Wow, sounds *fantastic* … but I don’t know QuickBooks :(

  2. What’s the pay?

  3. Great, now i have a standard to help “guide” my office manager. Thanks!!

  4. Dave, if QuickBooks wasn’t required, you’d fit in perfectly.

    Mary Sue, the pay is lack of respect.

    Michael, all Office Managers should follow these strict guidelines down to a T.

    Sincerely,
    the Little Sis

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