From the Blog

If You Are My Friend, You Will Do This For Me

Okay, right. So, babies on the way. Are you tired of me yakking about this yet? Are you tired of all the baby bullcrap? Are you worried I’m going to slip into a parent stupor where all I can talk about is our precious little snowflakes and the adorable poopies they make? Really, I am as worried as you are. But let’s just ride this train to the end, shall we? I will try not to be obnoxious, I will try to be extra obnoxious. So sloppy gooey obnoxious, it’s funny.

But first, a bit of philosophical meandering. We had an OB appointment earlier this week with my new Portland doctor. We are moving back to Portland, the babies will be born in Portland, and it made sense to start getting that ball rolling in the place they will be delivered. I had an exam, we went over all the usual stuff, and we got a quick ultrasound so the doctor could get a peek at the babies.

They are still in there. Two of them.

They were bouncy and wiggling around in there. They are stacked on top of each other like bunk beds. Baby A was still enough to get a heart rate. Baby B was so jumpy, the doctor couldn’t get him or her to sit still. The doctor noted the level of activity and said, “That kid is just fine.”

We’ve now been through a few screenings and tests to make sure the babies have normal chromosomes, and we’ve done some other tests for genetic diseases related to our heritage. Everything is looking good. The babies are healthy and wiggling around like little fishes. The are too small for me to feel kicks yet, but that is coming soon. We will learn the genders in a couple weeks.

All this means: We’re having fricken babies. They are coming. It’s really going to happen.

I don’t know if this is the case everywhere, but it seems like a lot of people are having babies. We noticed this even last summer, as many of our friends were having their first kids. And none of us are spring chickens. Almost all the couples we know are in their thirties or later. And everyone seems to be having new babies. On a larger scale, in the scope of our Portland friends, there are babies popping out everywhere.

And all these babies are cute. They are damn cute. Truly. It’s remarkable. Because we know it happens, that sometimes, some babies are sort of funny looking. It happens. I have seen some really funny looking babies. Like I’ve seen babies where I wondered if the father must be some kind of amphibian, like a frog, but with ears like a deer. Or others that look like tarsiers, with the huge eyeballs. Or babies that already look like old men, and they just need a cigar and cognac before they become managers at a bowling alley.

Come on. We’ve seen those babies. And you look at them, and you choke back your natural reaction and you dutifully tell the parents, “Oh my! He is just a handsome little thing!” Even when you really mean to say, “Oh my! He could have been an extra in the Gremlins movie!”

So you, my friends, family and internet readers, you have a job to do. Your job, if you care about me at all, is to LIE TO MY FACE if we have ugly ass babies. You know we are just going to lose our minds when the babies come. I’m going to be fevered from labor, exhausted and probably relieved to finally get these kids out. We will not be in our right minds. We are going to look upon our precious snowflakes and we aren’t going to care if they look like little raisins or sea creatures.

So if we have ugly babies, your job is to lie, lie, lie, like you’ve never lied before, and tell us that our puffy little blobs are just the cutest things you’ve ever seen in your whole life.

Not too much to ask, right?


  1. Kim Taylor says

    Love this post Heather…ha ha Awesome!

  2. You will know.. I had 2 beautiful babies and 1 lets say Not so beautiful… but as adults they are all beautiful.. How you start in this life is no indication of where you end up.. Good luck and I love reading your posts…

  3. When my oldest was born (almost 6 years ago… damn time flys) she came out with such a misshapen head that i immediately began placing calls to local carnies. I was scared to death. The doctor told me that a little “cone shaping of the cranium” was normal. This wasn’t just a little “cone shaping.” She looked like she was sporting a flesh colored Lance Armstrong racing helmet. Being that i have seen some pretty fugly looking kids in my day too, my biggest feat was just that, having a fugly ass kid. After several hours and a carton of camel non-filters later, her head formed into this perfect little, peach fuzz covered, balloon shaped baby head.

    You will not have to worry about having ugly kids. Cute children run in the family. Nathan’s kid is beautiful and that’s Nathan’s kid for Christ’s sake!

    There are my two pennies on the subject. Great post by the way. Keep them coming!

    • I know MY side brings the cute genes. Dave says he was a cute baby, and from the photos, he did look pretty adorable.

      Thanks for the cone head advice. I’d be super freaked if my kids came out looking like Dan Aykroyd.

  4. Aimee Wynhausen says

    Oh my I am so behind on your blog. If I haven’t said it – congrats on the babies! So exciting. You are moving back to Portland? More excitement!

  5. One of my favorite memories of new mommy hood was when my firstborn had the worst case of acne at around six weeks. I mean, pizza face all the way. People would come up to him to get a little peek, and they’d go off on their Cute Baby Voice and say, “He is so, so…. BIG!” (They couldn’t say cute. They just couldn’t.) I had no trouble making fun of my kid, though, because apparently I am made of nails.

  6. i don’t know…i was kinda hoping that you were going to be the one set of parents that I could be honest with. “oh my god! look at the size of his heid!” “wow. that is a fat kid(s)!” “jeez… your kid(s) looks like a lizard, ha ha ha.” i’m so disappointed.

  7. This makes me remember the Seinfeld Ugly Baby episode – “He’s Breathtaking!” LOL.

    A very long time agao, I made the mistake of commenting to a friend that the newborn photo of her kid looked kind of an alien-like. Ooopsy. She DID NOT like that comment one bit! Since then I’ve learned to either avoid newborns all together or just say how happy I am for them and make no comment on appearances because most newborns just look *weird* from all the birthin’ trauma they go through.

  8. oh…..yeah. Alex came out with his fist next to his nose so looked much like Raging Bull for a few days….was a lovely color yellow/jaundice complete with UV light for a few days too….then he spent too much time on his back during his chubby period and rubbed off the back of his increasingly flat-backed head making the brown curls in the front look a lot like a 60-year old Hasidic Jew – which is fine…except he was just a few months old and we don’t have that particular ethnicity/religion so….yeah, it was odd. NOW? He’s the cutest boy you’ve ever seen – melts the hearts of ladies with his eyelashes and lips….but boy did he have a few WTF months. oh, and he’d make these faces…yeah. I have photos that I don’t really share very often…they’re scary. :) all kids go through a WTF stage at some point though….it’s a stage. and we will all lie for you when it’s your turn. :)

  9. Lauren Siniawer says

    Am LOVING your blog posts, especially lately, and a belated CONGRATULATIONS to you and Dave. I’m soo excited for your both!! Was the move back to Portland spurred by the twins? Or just bad plumbing where you’re living now? ;) Anyhow, keep the stories coming- they are truly hilarious :)

  10. ElkoSteve says

    Have you seen Andy’s baby picture? Yeah, “Old Man Syndrome” all the way. But he was 10 weeks early though, so we cut him some slack.

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